Exercise – I can’t find my motivation

I'm sure that there are lots of health nuts out there who just love to exercise. Well I am not one of them! Most of the time I would rather run barefoot through a field of spiders rather then put on a pair of nylon/lycra pants and head to the gym. That is silly of course, because I usually end up feeling pretty good after I work out.

Plus my gym has so many interesting people to make fun of. There are the weight lifter guys who have to grunt loudly after each set. Then we have what I call the "summer girls" - who are in shape but are trying to trim a few ounces before swimsuit time. Oh and there is this one kid who has the shaggiest head of hair. He never pulls it back; he just wears a headband over it. How that helps I don't know! He looks a little bit like Michael J. Fox did in Teen Wolf when he wore that white headband as a wolf. It is just a community gym so it is mostly regular folks who work out there. Not like those meat markets like Gold's Gym where you need to be overly tan (I'm talking carrot orange), have bulging muscles, and wear super tiny spandex tops.

Here is a fun email about the gym (it is a little long but completely hilarious). This is dedicated to everyone who has ever tried to get into a regular exercise routine:

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Brad gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little! wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!
It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

THURSDAY:

Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny idiot to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little punk. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little dear) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds.

Amanda is dying to finish reading her book!